ADHD: The Conversational Power of Listening
One of the most common stories I hear from people diagnosed with ADHD is that they find social interactions to be challenging.
One of the most common stories I hear from people diagnosed with ADHD is that they find social interactions to be challenging. Those who take stimulant medications, especially, often find themselves being criticized for talking too much; others do so out of a basic insecurity borne of years of rejection and being singled out by teachers.
How can we best deal with this? The answer may be startlingly simple.
Dennis in Anaheim, California shares this story:
I think I’ve discovered the secret of being a great conversationalist.
About two years ago, I had a capped front tooth that fell off. My wife and I had an important dinner party to go to with my boss and his wife, and I couldn’t get out of it, so I stuck the cap back on with some of that one-drop super glue stuff. But I was scared to death that in the middle of dinner, it would fall off and I’d have this huge hole in the middle of my teeth.
So, during dinner I ate very carefully. And instead of talking, I listened. My boss’s wife, it turns out, is very active in The Junior League. I’d heard of it, but didn’t really know anything about it.
And in the past, if somebody had mentioned something like that, it would have been a cue for me to launch into a discussion of all the organizations I’ve worked with over the years, from the Boy Scouts to the local zoo. (I have a lot of interesting stories from my life, and tell them well.)
But because I was afraid that if I talked much I’d knock that tooth off, I decided to listen to Betty tell her stories about the Junior League.
It was an interesting evening, and I learned more than I’ll ever need to know about the Junior League and Betty’s activities in the community. But the lesson came the next morning at work.
My boss called me into his office and thanked me for joining him and Betty for dinner the night before. And then came the surprise.
“I never thought of you as a great conversationalist,” he said, “but last night you were wonderful. After you two left, Betty couldn’t stop talking about how much she enjoyed talking with you and what a brilliant conversationalist you were.”
Of course, I was stunned. I hadn’t said more than a few hundred words all evening, and they were nearly all questions (to keep her talking, so I would have to). And they both thought I was a brilliant conversationalist!
By this time I’d been to my dentist and had my tooth fixed, but I decided to try out the listening strategy on a few other people. I tried it on my clients first (I’m a salesman), and was amazed by all the things that I was able to learn from and about them.
But, again, even more amazing, I was stunned to hear from them later how much they enjoyed our “conversation,” when, in fact, I’d worked very hard to try to keep it to mosdy a monologue by them.
What this taught me is that people would rather talk than listen. I should have known this before, because it’s so true of myself. But I didn’t realize that everybody is like this, even shy people, and now I know that if you listen to people, and listen aggressively, they will think that you’re a brilliant conversationalist. And, I suppose, you actually will be!
As a mother and as a nurse, I learned to distract someone from an uncomfortable situation by asking open ended questions. Not only does it relieve discomfort as the person tells me something about themselves, but I gained insight that assisted me to help them. For a child I could ask, "what's going on with your buddy, ___, or what do you plan to use your piggyback savings for? I could ask a patient about family or recreation. It depends on the setting. Even patients with dementia who are able only to speak partial words brighten up when you engage them and encourage them to converse. It must be instinctive.
It’s interesting to me for several reasons . I’ve been treated with stimulants since being diagnosed with ADHD in my early 40’s. ( I had it all my life) so I was inclined to talk a lot in many situations . However I became a Nurse in my 20’s ( before being diagnosed and treated) , and it was important to ask questions and listen to what was being said , as well as not being said by patients.
This was a great learning process and it stuck with me . In later years I went back to school and studied and became a Substance Abuse Counselor. That process of active listening was extremely important with this population as almost all suffered from guilt and remorse from their active addiction/ alcoholism.
This is just a good reminder for all of us . I know there have been times in the past when one person in a group attempts to dominate a conversation ( and I would become uneasy and ultimately annoyed) . It betrays an insecurity and need to control in many cases. No I try to see where it’s been familiar in my past.