ADHD and the Language of Connection

How understanding sensory preferences can unlock better communication and relationships...

One of the key skills that ADHD kids and adults often miss learning when growing up is how to “read” other people. We’re so occupied with our own internal conversation, or concerned that others may be judging us when we first meet them, that we neglect to really study how the get and receive information.

This can lead to misunderstandings of all sorts, and cause many of us to simply “talk past” others instead of communicating at a deeper level.

Many people are shocked when they first discover that not everybody “sees” (or “hears” or “feels”) the world the same way they do. It’s a fact, however, that we each have our own particular ways of experiencing life, and most people have a single sensory system upon which they most heavily rely.

People who have a different perception of the world from ours have interesting and often valuable lessons to teach us. Particularly when we understand our differences, they can help us expand our experience of life in ways that may not other­wise have been available to us.

Check out this simple test, and give it to a few friends and your children. The results will open a window to — or tell you more about — or give you a better feel for — yourself and those close to you.

It will also introduce you to a core concept of NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP): that people experience the world differently from each other. This is some­times stated as, “The map is not the territory.” After you’ve taken the test and compared your results with some friends, consider which of these possibilities may be at work in your relationships.

Rank each of the three answer-options below between one and three, with three being “most often true” and one “least often true.” When you’re finished, add up all the V’s (visual), A’s (auditory), and K’s (kinesthetic). The numerical scores will tell you (show you? give you a feeling for?) which of the three representational systems you’re most and least comfortable with. Keep in mind that, at least at this point, this is just for your entertainment:

1. I naturally and easily say things like:
V “I see what you mean”
A “That sounds sensible to me”
K “I have a good feeling for that”

2. When I encounter an old friend, I often say:
V “It’s great to see you again!”
A “It’s great to hear your voice again!”
K “I’ve missed you!” (and give them a big hug)

3. I have:
V a good eye for decor and color coordination
A the ability to arrange the stereo and__ speakers so the music is crystal clear
K a special feeling in my favorite rooms

4. I let other people know how I’m feeling by:
V the clothes I dress in and the way I do my hair or makeup
A the tone of my voice, sighs, and other sounds
K my body posture

5. My favorite romantic encounters include:
V watching the other person, or vivid visualization or visual fantasy
A listening to the sounds the other person makes
K touching and being touched by the other person

6. When I want to really totally understand something:
V I make pictures of it in my mind
A I talk to myself about it
K I roll it around until I have a good feeling for it

7. When deciding on an important action, I:
V must see all aspects of the situation
A must be able to justify the decision to myself and/or somebody else
K know when it’s the right decision because my gut feelings tell me so

8. When it’s important to me to influence another person, I pay careful attention to:
V the pictures I paint with my descriptions
A the intonation and pace of my voice
K what kind of emotional impact I can bring to the situation

9. When I’m bored, I’m more likely to:
V change the way I look or how things around me are arranged
A whistle, hum, or play by making sounds in my throat or chest
K stretch, exercise, take a hot bath

10.  My favorite authors:
 V paint vivid pictures of interesting places
A write dialogue that sounds true-to-life
K give me a feeling for the story which is moving and meaningful

11. I can tell what another person is thinking by:
V the look on their face
A the tone of their voice
K the vibes I get from them

12. When I read a menu trying to decide what to order, I:
V visualize the food
A discuss with myself the various options
K read the list and choose what feels best

13. I would rather:
V look at the pictures in an art gallery
A listen to a symphony or rock concert
K participate in a sporting or athletic event

14. When I’m in a room with a band playing, I find most interesting:
V watching the other people or the band
A closing my eyes and listening to the music
K dancing with or feeling close to the other people around me

15. A true statement is:
V “It’s important how you look if you want to influence others”
A “People don’t know a thing about you until they’ve heard what you have to say”
K  “It takes time to really get in touch with another person’s core self”

Most people, when they take this test, will find that there is a definite preference for one system, but that preference is not more than five or ten points away from their least- preferred system.

A well-balanced person will have very simi­lar scores for all three areas, whereas a person with radically high or low scores in any one system may want to consider exploring ways to break up rigid patterns of perception and broaden and enrich his or her view, hearing, and experience in life.

You may also find it interesting that your closest friends — the people you best understand — often score similarly to you on the test. Those you just can’t figure out no matter how hard you try may score quite differently from you on the test.

This doesn’t mean that you should avoid people who have different modality-preference systems: instead it gives you an insight into (voice to? feeling for?) how you can have a wider range of friends and connections with others.

For ex­ample, experiment with using language that matches the lan­guage of those around you, and while doing so try to also experience the sensory realities that such language implies.

In other words, when talking with a primarily visual person, use visual metaphors: “I see what you’re saying.” “I could see doing that.”

With an auditory person you’d say, “I hear you!” “I like the sound of that.” “That sounds like a great idea!”

And for a kinesthetic person: “I get it!” “That feels right to me.” “I can get my arms around that idea!”

When we have this information about our children, it gives us a whole new range of tools for improving communication, and also for understanding their style of learning.

This helps us improve the way we communicate with them, and can also help you help your child’s teachers to better understand how she or he learns — and through that understanding change the way the child is taught. This, in turn, can have a profound impact on your child’s self-esteem.