Should ADHDers Become Phobic about Gossip?
Should ADHDers Become Phobic about Gossip?
It’s wise advice, particularly for people whose impulsivity may cause them to blurt out things that may hurt others.
Maybe it was the Greatest Generation, but my dad, who volunteered to fight in WWII, used to give me the same advice about gossip as Steve got from his father. It’s wise advice, particularly for people whose impulsivity may cause them to blurt out things that may hurt others.
From Steve in Michigan:
My father always used to tell me, “If you can’t say something nice bout somebody, don’t say anything at all.” He used to jump all over me when I’d criticize somebody or complain about people, telling me about “beams in eyes” (referring to Jesus’ parable in the Sermon on the Mount) and all that.
It was good advice, I suppose, but I always ignored it. I love drama, and, looking back on my life, I now see that I love to be in the middle of things.
I remember one time when I was pretty sure that a woman I worked with was having an affair with another guy in our office. I dropped the hint to her husband, and all hell broke loose. I rationalized it at the time as being “the honest thing to do.” I admit that I was enjoying the drama. She was confiding in me, as was her co-worker, and I was dropping hints to her husband without letting them know.
Well, what happened was that this woman got so upset when her affair was exposed and her husband sued for divorce that she killed herself. Until she took all those pills, it was like a game for me. But now, looking back on it, I’m ashamed of myself for having done it. I was just looking for some quick thrills, throwing myself into the middle of another drama.
I was a pallbearer at her funeral, and I cried all that day and the day after. I’ve never told anybody before that I had a hand in her death, but every night I go to sleep knowing that her blood is on my hands. I often dream about her and all the pain I caused her by helping turn her mistake into a big drama.
And since that time, I’ve followed my father’s advice. I still crave excitement, but instead of getting it from gossiping about other people’s lives, I get it now from other things like reading novels or watching movies. It was right after her suicide that I learned about ADHD, too, and got diagnosed myself, and started taking medication for it.
I don’t think that was what made the change in me, though, because I’ve quit taking the drugs and I still don’t talk about people behind their backs anymore. I’ve learned a painful lesson, and probably hurt a lot of other people before Karen killed herself.
So now, if I can’t say something good about somebody, I don’t say anything at all. I wish I’d listened to my dad years earlier.